Happy Cancerversary to Me!

I will never forget 9-11-01.  I was in the hospital waiting to find out why I was so sick.  It was early, but I was awake, as usual (not that they let you sleep), when a nurse came in and told me that a plane had just hit the World Trade Center.  She turned on the TV.  We both watched, stunned.  I wasn't able to comprehend what I was seeing, they played replays and I watched.  Then, out of nowhere another plane hit the other tower.  How can this even be real?  I kept waiting for it to be some sort of massive media hoax, along the lines of War of the Worlds.  It wasn't.  My Aunt told me then, "The world as we know it is over, things will never be the same."  I was worrying about my family in New York, waiting for a call from someone to tell me that the people I loved were okay.  My cousin was visiting NY at that time and was very near the tragedy.

The TV stayed on most of the day, and I received many calls and visitors.  All we could do was shake our heads and wonder at the state of the world. Later that evening, around six o'clock, the doctor came to my room with my test results.  Finally, I would know why I had been sick ever since I had my son two months ago.  He sat me down and solemnly told me I had AML, a type of Leukemia.  I don't think it even phased me to hear that.  All I said was, "Okay, how can we change that?"

My attitude about my cancer has always been one of almost denial.  Like, I knew I had it, but I refused to let it be a big deal, "tis but a scratch!"  This shows the great power of perspective.  If I hadn't woken up to tragedy involving so many people who did nothing more than go to work, I may have collapsed into my illness and let it determine if I lived or died.  Cancer can be beat if you see it coming.

It is 13 years later and I still have yet to process all of my emotions related to my diagnosis.  I have had chemo, radiation, more chemo, and a stem-cell transplant (Thanks, Bro!).  I have watched my baby grow into a teenager, I have shared 13 more years of life with the people I love (and some that I don't), and I have taken it for granted enough to complain about trivial things.

What I haven't done, is deal with the repressed emotions, they are tucked in so many hidey holes I don't even know where they are hiding.  They pop out at random and sometimes inopportune times.  Commercials and movies can set one off, stories, a person at the store with a mask, or a PICC line...all these little reminders.  Someday they will all get resolved, or not...I cry a little, and then stuff them back in.  It's working for now, but like the little boy plugging the dike, I only have so many fingers and one day I will run out.  That day may be today...who knows?

Until then, Happy Cancerversary to me!