Heeeeeeeey!

Hanging here in Limbo where everything is okay, not great, not bad, okay.  You know what?  That's okay right now.  I just got through a test of my endurance and ability to meet a deadline and a challenge to myself as a writer and and and and....now, It's just nice to have, like, one or two things going on.

I have a Mind/Body Connection Workshop coming up in August, until then, I am enjoying strengthening my connection to self.  Listening to the inner voice of what it truly desires, what it really wants from me.

That's where it gets tricky.  I don't know about you, but I rarely get just one message at a time.  Brain is tired, wants sleep, tummy is hungry wants food, body is feeling stuck wants exercise, nerves need whole nutritious food but it's reading as "comfort food"... we have so much going on in our bodies at any given moment, and while our brain is keeping track meticulously, or conscious mind can only handle 5-7 bits of info at any time.

Don't feel bad if you don't know what you want right now.  It's okay, we are taught to want what we are told to want, very rarely do we examine the validity of our cravings.  Start now.  Take a pause before you eat or buy something.  DO you really want that?  Who told you you should want it?  Was it you?  No?  Then put it back and get what YOU want.  I guarantee, once you begin to get to know yourself better, you will know which voices are your authentic needs, and which are just programming.

The good news is, you can literally be practicing this ALL OF THE TIME.  From how you sit in your chair, to what you wear, how you breathe, how you feel and on and on.  Don't stress about it, or take it too seriously, you have all the time in the world,and you are not being graded. ;)

Running With the Dog

I walk alone to the park every morning, usually barefoot, okay, always barefoot... The dog people know I have dogs and ask me why I don't bring them, which leads me extol on the personal life and personalities of each pooch.  (Don't ask me questions if you don't want TMI, btw.)  The old one had surgery, the little one is still getting her puppy shots, the girls dog is a bitch.... Then, there's the boy dog, who is lovely and can be around other dogs, BUT the reason I don't take him is mostly based on the fact that getting only one of four dogs out of the house singlehandedly is a bit of a challenge.  Suddenly the street is filled with dogs and I;'m running around and yelling like a crazy person.  Not fun. Oh, and taking Toadie means I must run at least a little.

I took him today, he has been so patient with his new bitey little sister that I wanted to get him out and take him to the park to play.  So we went, Dane ran defense as we escaped alone.  Toadness instantly wanted to run, but I was creaky, so I fast walked/jogged and then got him to slow down a bit.  When we finally got to the dog park, I unleashed him and he found a nice place to poop. The dog people were watching us.  Being a good dog parent, I was prepared with a plastic bag and cleaned up after my pet...gross...  After disposing of said poo, we decided to be social.  Toro and the other dog checked each other out before deciding it was cool to hang out.  They didn't play play much, Toro stuck by mt side.

Being a good Mommy, I knew he wanted to run with me, as fast as we could through the grass, so we did, and I wish I had on a more supportive support garment.  It was awesome, I love to run!  Next time I must be better prepared.  After running, Toadie decided we should walk up the steepest hill we could to get back to the sidewalk.  It was a good walk home, he ate some grass, I let him drink from my water bottle (I love that he can do that!) and we arrived home to a chorus of excited barking.  Great way to start the day!

The Twins

The Old Timer

The Newbie

.Oh my aching back aka I'm soft

I did about 2 1/2 hours of manual labor int he sun yesterday morning.  It sucked.  I t made me realize how soft I really am.  I don't mean flabby or silky, I mean I'm a big wimpy baby when it comes to being uncomfortable.

It made me think about all of the people who have chosen jobs in construction, landscaping, and anything else out doors.  Even UPS and USPS peeps get in and out of vehicle with no doors all day.  Mechanics get no A/C, they are lucky to have a swamp cooler, and there are myriad other professions just like this.

So, am I saying I want to toughen up?  Take a boot camp class at noon?  Hells no!  I am just saying i have identified this part of myself and am at peace with it.  We don't have to change or "fix" every little personality trait or idiosyncracy that makes us uncomfortable or different.  I don't camp in the Summer because heat makes me angry.  That's it.

Avoid the stuff that irritates you if you can, don't force yourself to do things out of obligation that end up sucking for you and everyone else who has to put up with you.  In our club we have a very simple saying that we live by.  Nobody has hurt feelings and everybody accepts it.  We don't have to make up lame excuses, or anything.  We simply say "IDW".  I don't wanna.  That's it.

Imagine how free your life would be if you just said IDW to that Amway presentation, or to a scrapbooking workshop, or even to drink with a friend.  By invoking IDW, the other person knows you just don't feel like it, and that's okay.  Now, you can make plans later when you do W.

If this spread and nobody forced themselves to go to things they hated, we would be happier people I think,  I know what it is like to be somewhere you don't want to be because you think you're "supposed" to go.  Super Bowl parties, co-ed baby showers...you get the point.

We have plenty of things that we "have to" do everyday.  Exercise your right to choosing your recreation.

My back hurts....

Buddy only did what he W-ed.

...and then....everything seems so trivial....

I am crying, a little, right now. Have been for a couple of days. First, it was because I heard that a beautiful soul was so sick she was in a coma, and now, because she has transitioned. Heaven is lucky to have this woman.

In a world where more often than not, affection is not genuine, hers was. Every time you saw this woman she had a huge smile on her face and hugs to give. When she was at school she waved and talked to everybody in the halls. She reached out to me when I was still the “new kid” and unsure of how to interact with people.

Instead of being sad, I am choosing to live with her spirit in mind. When I first heard she had left her body, I was hit with a massive amount of survivor guilt, as is my habit. “Why did she die, and I didn't?” I let that do its thing for a couple of minutes and then it didn't feel right anymore. She would not want me to curse my life because she gave up hers. She wouldn't. I felt like she was with me at that moment, just saying that it was silly to feel that way and I should live the hell out life and not worry about why I am so blessed.

I am sure God just needs her up there for awhile to boost morale.  

Up Late

Soooooooooooooooo...I took a nap at 6pm, and didn't wake up until 10:18, then 12:10...still up. In the past I would be freaking out worrying about getting back to sleep, driving myself crazy, and not sleeping thinking about everything I won't be able to do because my schedule got thrown off.

I used to have this crazy self-imposed idea about when I could do things, and when I could not. Like, anything outside of the house must happen between 8am and noon, if it didn't, it had to wait for the next day, or the next. Dishes are done either while making breakfast, or not until 4pm. Homework and all creative projects are for the hours of 4am-6am, and a walk must start no later than 6am....

Now, I am much cooler, although I sometimes need to remind myself of that fact. My body has been trained to instantly panic in time related situations, and I am still retraining it to just stop and view the situation objectively. Step back, and readjust.

I can stay up until the sun rises and go about my business, or I can go back to bed and wake up again at a later hour. It is my choice. I don't work today, today is a catch up around the house day, no schedule, relax...

Even now, I am tired, but not quite bed ready yet. Writing is helping to empty my head of random thoughts that may pop up unexpectedly and keep me awake. I feel that most days as soon as my eyes open my mind starts going with my to do list. Bam! Let's hit the ground running! This is very frustrating since I am taking a class on dreams right now and this thought seems to dissolve all memory of my dreams. I remember feelings and bits and pieces like: water,people, school, animals....it seems to always be these things. Again, I should just be cool and step back. I have accidentally programmed myself to erase my dreams as soon as I wake up! Ooopsy.

Perhaps, if I write out my to do list now, it will leave me alone later.

To Do Today (Goals):

Finish last week's online homework

Dole out items from Bean- Shoes, supplies

Make Up Yoga Class tonight

Do Laundry

See how many more hours of Community Service I need to do

Straighten house so cleaners don't have to deal with my clutter tomorrow

Take a walk, do yoga

Scan and mail docs for work

Not bad! Actually pretty light!

I feel much better! Woo-hoo! Writing things out so I can see them makes them less ominous than random thoughts ping-ponging around in my brain all at once, nice. :)

Rebel, Rebel

I did it! I facilitated my first workshop, and it was amazing. I am lucky enough o have the best people in the World in my life and my session was attended by 6 of them. All from different parts of my life. 2 I've known since I was a teenager, 2 I've known for 6 years from sketch comedy, and 2 from school who are also amazing healers.

The group was very pleasant, everyone got along well. We laughed stress away as we worked with mandalas and affirmations, the two hours went very quickly ending with a balloon hitting the fire sprinkler and popping loudly. Did I mention we were at the library. Where they frown on bare feet. Yes, your humbler blogger was reprimanded for having her shoes off. It is such a vile offense that he felt it necessary to open the door of the room I had reserved to tell me to put my shoes back on. He kept looking every time he walked by to see if my shoes were on my feet. I am such a bad girl.

My school friends were having the same problem I was, we kept slipping our shoes off out of habit. “Oh, crap! My shoes are off again!” We kept doing it, catching ourselves after one shoe had dropped, then crossing our legs and hiding our shoes so he couldn't see our feet. How funny is that. I am all about following rules, but my subconscious didn't get the memo. It thinks no shoes in a private carpeted room is a stupid rule and my lack of shoes kept proving that. Ha!

It's a really good thing he didn't see Kathy and I run up and down the book aisles waving our arms silently screaming...bare foot. ;)