Time, Time, Time....

Woke up to a text message. “Are you going to be home Tuesday?” This is exactly the type of question that sends me into a freak out spiral. It's Saturday, I don't know what Tuesday will hold. I don't want to have to wait around all day until a UPS guys shows up so I can sign. I am a free woman!!! I have the same issue when my husband asks me what time I am doing things. For me, time is up for grabs. I don't know what time I'm going to be home any more than if I will be home Tuesday. For most people these are normal questions. The clock is doing its job, it's just a clock, not some sick master. I was obsessed with the lock for so many years. Fights started because of mere minutes. Friends were lost forever due to my maniacal grasp of time and its implications about loyalty.

Now, I can cooly wait if need be. I have even been late once, it was weird, didn't like it. I realize that time is a system created by humans so they could all show up and do things together. It's a tool for organizing something that had only been “sun up” “sun down”, “midday”, etc. My friend and I seemed paralyzed by it in High School. It seemed if we had to work in the afternoon, the three hours before work were shot, like we couldn't use them lest we risk being late, or not ready. I still catch myself in this mindset. Now, I remind myself “You have THREE HOURS!!!!” That's enough time to see a movie and get a massage!

I am sure my obsession with time began innocently enough as a simple warning to not be late for class. Then, work ruled my clock, breaks, off, on, schedule......I admit, the main source of panic arose when I could not find my datebook. It is in the car. I don't know what I am doing day-to-day with out it. I used to roll sans datebook and missed a lot. Now, it is my lifeline. Paper. I tried putting things in my phone, but I just don't trust technology. I had once uploaded 2 months to a tablet that my son ended up breaking. Bye bye schedule. Admittedly, a paper book is still a dangerous thing to have. I once came home to one shredded by the dogs in the backyard. I was able to salvage most of it. Luckily they chewed mostly on the past.

I would love a life of country wonder and bliss, free of clocks and schedules. Waking with the sun, napping when the mood hit me, and sleeping under black skies and twinkling stars. No sirens, no street lights, no traffic, just crickets. :)

I'm Melting....Melting!

My body is changing again. It is releasing the weight I picked up over the last year when I was stressing. Now, it appears to be going back to stasis. In our society so much value is given to how small you are and how little you way. I been guilty of being a tininess elitist, usually only when threatened, but also just to be a bitch. Probably because I was hungry

Here's the million dollar question: WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE? I have been almost 200lbs and gotten down to 107lbs and you know what? I was still me, just tinier and I felt that being skinny gave me the right to be nasty. After all, isn't the end goal to be skinny? Why? I understand that there are health reasons to lose weight, yes. That's great, and maybe you're an athlete and need to be strong and fast, okay. My point is, what does “skinny” get you? Why are we all aiming to be ever smaller? To disappear? Think about it, before a wedding, reunion, vacation, etc. we all run around trying to get skinny. Are we going to enjoy these events more if we are skinny?

The catch is that you can never be skinny enough. There is no end once you get stuck in that crazy rabbit hole. You reach your goal of losing 10 pounds, now you wan to lose 20, then you'll be happy. You got into your wedding dress, now you are setting your sights on your cheerleading uniform. Why? Will children be saved from cancer?  Will you get an award?  Maybe the news will cover it. Oh, I know, when you are finally skinny enough, all of your other problems will go away, right? NO!!! God forbid you don't meet your goal, because then, your self-esteem will be shattered and the self-abuse starts. Maybe you don't even go, feeling everyone will know you are “not skinny”.  

There is a new product out there that works. I have a few friends who sell this product that makes you smaller. I even thought about using it, and was approached to sell it, too. While I was deciding, I thought about how I would benefit right no from being smaller. My clothes would feel looser and that's pretty much it. I decided to keep my money and turned down the position. I understand we are programmed and driven to be smaller because that's how they make money. Happy people generally don't drop $1,000's on superficial pursuits. When I think of all of the money I spent over my lifetime of body issues I realize I could've spent that money traveling and going places and having fun instead of drugging myself with expensive promises and beating myself up because I was never small enough.

Accepting your body doesn't happen overnight. I made myself stare at myself in the mirror and only be objective and complimentary. Do I look friendly? Happy? Clean? Approachable? Stylish? On days I feel ugly, or have what I call the “fat eye” (seeing my body in a distorted fashion) I avoid mirrors and wear something that makes me feel pretty and most people just go with it. The truth is, nobody cares what your body looks like. They don't. Unless it is your job to look a certain way, you have the freedom to let your body go through it's cycles of weight gain and release. I go from a 4-8 throughout the year because that's where my body likes to be, I am healthy and fit and can rock a silky dress in away that will make your jaw drop. I've been an 18, too, and you know what, I was still me, so I was still dead sexy. I have met so many gorgeous curvy, voluptuous women who are so into their bodies that I have been envious at times.

It's about you having the most fun in your life. At the end do you want to to be telling your great grand kids about all of your awesome adventures, or about how even as a crumply skeleton you never met your goal weight?   

Tales of the People I Encounter Anonymously

I don't judge people and would work with either of these people in a professional manner...if they were REAL!  The anonymity of the internet and telephone allows pranksters easy access.  I am legitimately amused by these folks.  God bless them, every one. 

I.

Yesterday, I received a call from a gentleman inquiring about hiring me for private Yoga lessons. He had a British accent and a calm demeanor. I asked him about his goals and he admitted to me that he was an entertainer specializing in Bachelorette parties. Okay, I've danced before and have know many dancers in my life. I also write dirty sketch comedy and have hung out with mechanics, bikers, and comedians for the last 10+ years, there is little that can shock me. I ask him if he has specific moves that he would like to do better and we could find Yoga poses to facilitate safer movement. He goes on to tell me that his goal is to maintain plow pose for an extended period because that is how he finishes the show. My mind flips through the poses. Plow? He kept saying it over and over. In plow pose one has their feet behind their head while their back is on the floor. I'm now picturing a tiny (I always think of male strippers as short little buff guys) little naked dude in this pose...oh....oh. Okay, I'll bite, I'll be professional. I tell him I can absolutely help with that. He wants to message me immediately to show me his act. I tell him I am not available today, but can fit him in a10 on Thursday. He asks if I Skype, I tell him I do. He says he never has. I tell him he can add me and leave a video message and I'll watch it and get back to him with suggestions. I also suggest he have someone take photos so I can see his alignment and form. He says he has nobody who can take such pictures and that even at parties, photos are not allowed. Okay. Cool. I ask him for a contact number since the call came up private. He doesn't have a phone number, see, because his business is switching over this and that and whatnot and he'll call me if Thursday works, he's not in town anyway now...Goodbye. I have a sketch to write! Thank you!

II.

This reminded me of an email I got once from a man who wanted me to hypnotize his wife into liking the taste of oral sex. He insisted she loved everything about oral, but the flavor and she WANTED to be hypnotized so she would like it. I informed him that I would be happy to do that if his wife would contact me herself and request it. Then, I told him it must be his lucky day because I used to write a love and sex advice column when I was younger (true). I asked questions about whether it was his semen or his penis she found unpleasant, and offered suggestions to help make either more pleasant on the palette. They must've worked because I never did hear back from him or his wife. SKETCH!