Tales of the People I Encounter Anonymously

I don't judge people and would work with either of these people in a professional manner...if they were REAL!  The anonymity of the internet and telephone allows pranksters easy access.  I am legitimately amused by these folks.  God bless them, every one. 

I.

Yesterday, I received a call from a gentleman inquiring about hiring me for private Yoga lessons. He had a British accent and a calm demeanor. I asked him about his goals and he admitted to me that he was an entertainer specializing in Bachelorette parties. Okay, I've danced before and have know many dancers in my life. I also write dirty sketch comedy and have hung out with mechanics, bikers, and comedians for the last 10+ years, there is little that can shock me. I ask him if he has specific moves that he would like to do better and we could find Yoga poses to facilitate safer movement. He goes on to tell me that his goal is to maintain plow pose for an extended period because that is how he finishes the show. My mind flips through the poses. Plow? He kept saying it over and over. In plow pose one has their feet behind their head while their back is on the floor. I'm now picturing a tiny (I always think of male strippers as short little buff guys) little naked dude in this pose...oh....oh. Okay, I'll bite, I'll be professional. I tell him I can absolutely help with that. He wants to message me immediately to show me his act. I tell him I am not available today, but can fit him in a10 on Thursday. He asks if I Skype, I tell him I do. He says he never has. I tell him he can add me and leave a video message and I'll watch it and get back to him with suggestions. I also suggest he have someone take photos so I can see his alignment and form. He says he has nobody who can take such pictures and that even at parties, photos are not allowed. Okay. Cool. I ask him for a contact number since the call came up private. He doesn't have a phone number, see, because his business is switching over this and that and whatnot and he'll call me if Thursday works, he's not in town anyway now...Goodbye. I have a sketch to write! Thank you!

II.

This reminded me of an email I got once from a man who wanted me to hypnotize his wife into liking the taste of oral sex. He insisted she loved everything about oral, but the flavor and she WANTED to be hypnotized so she would like it. I informed him that I would be happy to do that if his wife would contact me herself and request it. Then, I told him it must be his lucky day because I used to write a love and sex advice column when I was younger (true). I asked questions about whether it was his semen or his penis she found unpleasant, and offered suggestions to help make either more pleasant on the palette. They must've worked because I never did hear back from him or his wife. SKETCH!