Happy Cancerversary to Me!

I will never forget 9-11-01.  I was in the hospital waiting to find out why I was so sick.  It was early, but I was awake, as usual (not that they let you sleep), when a nurse came in and told me that a plane had just hit the World Trade Center.  She turned on the TV.  We both watched, stunned.  I wasn't able to comprehend what I was seeing, they played replays and I watched.  Then, out of nowhere another plane hit the other tower.  How can this even be real?  I kept waiting for it to be some sort of massive media hoax, along the lines of War of the Worlds.  It wasn't.  My Aunt told me then, "The world as we know it is over, things will never be the same."  I was worrying about my family in New York, waiting for a call from someone to tell me that the people I loved were okay.  My cousin was visiting NY at that time and was very near the tragedy.

The TV stayed on most of the day, and I received many calls and visitors.  All we could do was shake our heads and wonder at the state of the world. Later that evening, around six o'clock, the doctor came to my room with my test results.  Finally, I would know why I had been sick ever since I had my son two months ago.  He sat me down and solemnly told me I had AML, a type of Leukemia.  I don't think it even phased me to hear that.  All I said was, "Okay, how can we change that?"

My attitude about my cancer has always been one of almost denial.  Like, I knew I had it, but I refused to let it be a big deal, "tis but a scratch!"  This shows the great power of perspective.  If I hadn't woken up to tragedy involving so many people who did nothing more than go to work, I may have collapsed into my illness and let it determine if I lived or died.  Cancer can be beat if you see it coming.

It is 13 years later and I still have yet to process all of my emotions related to my diagnosis.  I have had chemo, radiation, more chemo, and a stem-cell transplant (Thanks, Bro!).  I have watched my baby grow into a teenager, I have shared 13 more years of life with the people I love (and some that I don't), and I have taken it for granted enough to complain about trivial things.

What I haven't done, is deal with the repressed emotions, they are tucked in so many hidey holes I don't even know where they are hiding.  They pop out at random and sometimes inopportune times.  Commercials and movies can set one off, stories, a person at the store with a mask, or a PICC line...all these little reminders.  Someday they will all get resolved, or not...I cry a little, and then stuff them back in.  It's working for now, but like the little boy plugging the dike, I only have so many fingers and one day I will run out.  That day may be today...who knows?

Until then, Happy Cancerversary to me!

Time, Time, Time....

Woke up to a text message. “Are you going to be home Tuesday?” This is exactly the type of question that sends me into a freak out spiral. It's Saturday, I don't know what Tuesday will hold. I don't want to have to wait around all day until a UPS guys shows up so I can sign. I am a free woman!!! I have the same issue when my husband asks me what time I am doing things. For me, time is up for grabs. I don't know what time I'm going to be home any more than if I will be home Tuesday. For most people these are normal questions. The clock is doing its job, it's just a clock, not some sick master. I was obsessed with the lock for so many years. Fights started because of mere minutes. Friends were lost forever due to my maniacal grasp of time and its implications about loyalty.

Now, I can cooly wait if need be. I have even been late once, it was weird, didn't like it. I realize that time is a system created by humans so they could all show up and do things together. It's a tool for organizing something that had only been “sun up” “sun down”, “midday”, etc. My friend and I seemed paralyzed by it in High School. It seemed if we had to work in the afternoon, the three hours before work were shot, like we couldn't use them lest we risk being late, or not ready. I still catch myself in this mindset. Now, I remind myself “You have THREE HOURS!!!!” That's enough time to see a movie and get a massage!

I am sure my obsession with time began innocently enough as a simple warning to not be late for class. Then, work ruled my clock, breaks, off, on, schedule......I admit, the main source of panic arose when I could not find my datebook. It is in the car. I don't know what I am doing day-to-day with out it. I used to roll sans datebook and missed a lot. Now, it is my lifeline. Paper. I tried putting things in my phone, but I just don't trust technology. I had once uploaded 2 months to a tablet that my son ended up breaking. Bye bye schedule. Admittedly, a paper book is still a dangerous thing to have. I once came home to one shredded by the dogs in the backyard. I was able to salvage most of it. Luckily they chewed mostly on the past.

I would love a life of country wonder and bliss, free of clocks and schedules. Waking with the sun, napping when the mood hit me, and sleeping under black skies and twinkling stars. No sirens, no street lights, no traffic, just crickets. :)

I'm Melting....Melting!

My body is changing again. It is releasing the weight I picked up over the last year when I was stressing. Now, it appears to be going back to stasis. In our society so much value is given to how small you are and how little you way. I been guilty of being a tininess elitist, usually only when threatened, but also just to be a bitch. Probably because I was hungry

Here's the million dollar question: WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE? I have been almost 200lbs and gotten down to 107lbs and you know what? I was still me, just tinier and I felt that being skinny gave me the right to be nasty. After all, isn't the end goal to be skinny? Why? I understand that there are health reasons to lose weight, yes. That's great, and maybe you're an athlete and need to be strong and fast, okay. My point is, what does “skinny” get you? Why are we all aiming to be ever smaller? To disappear? Think about it, before a wedding, reunion, vacation, etc. we all run around trying to get skinny. Are we going to enjoy these events more if we are skinny?

The catch is that you can never be skinny enough. There is no end once you get stuck in that crazy rabbit hole. You reach your goal of losing 10 pounds, now you wan to lose 20, then you'll be happy. You got into your wedding dress, now you are setting your sights on your cheerleading uniform. Why? Will children be saved from cancer?  Will you get an award?  Maybe the news will cover it. Oh, I know, when you are finally skinny enough, all of your other problems will go away, right? NO!!! God forbid you don't meet your goal, because then, your self-esteem will be shattered and the self-abuse starts. Maybe you don't even go, feeling everyone will know you are “not skinny”.  

There is a new product out there that works. I have a few friends who sell this product that makes you smaller. I even thought about using it, and was approached to sell it, too. While I was deciding, I thought about how I would benefit right no from being smaller. My clothes would feel looser and that's pretty much it. I decided to keep my money and turned down the position. I understand we are programmed and driven to be smaller because that's how they make money. Happy people generally don't drop $1,000's on superficial pursuits. When I think of all of the money I spent over my lifetime of body issues I realize I could've spent that money traveling and going places and having fun instead of drugging myself with expensive promises and beating myself up because I was never small enough.

Accepting your body doesn't happen overnight. I made myself stare at myself in the mirror and only be objective and complimentary. Do I look friendly? Happy? Clean? Approachable? Stylish? On days I feel ugly, or have what I call the “fat eye” (seeing my body in a distorted fashion) I avoid mirrors and wear something that makes me feel pretty and most people just go with it. The truth is, nobody cares what your body looks like. They don't. Unless it is your job to look a certain way, you have the freedom to let your body go through it's cycles of weight gain and release. I go from a 4-8 throughout the year because that's where my body likes to be, I am healthy and fit and can rock a silky dress in away that will make your jaw drop. I've been an 18, too, and you know what, I was still me, so I was still dead sexy. I have met so many gorgeous curvy, voluptuous women who are so into their bodies that I have been envious at times.

It's about you having the most fun in your life. At the end do you want to to be telling your great grand kids about all of your awesome adventures, or about how even as a crumply skeleton you never met your goal weight?   

Tales of the People I Encounter Anonymously

I don't judge people and would work with either of these people in a professional manner...if they were REAL!  The anonymity of the internet and telephone allows pranksters easy access.  I am legitimately amused by these folks.  God bless them, every one. 

I.

Yesterday, I received a call from a gentleman inquiring about hiring me for private Yoga lessons. He had a British accent and a calm demeanor. I asked him about his goals and he admitted to me that he was an entertainer specializing in Bachelorette parties. Okay, I've danced before and have know many dancers in my life. I also write dirty sketch comedy and have hung out with mechanics, bikers, and comedians for the last 10+ years, there is little that can shock me. I ask him if he has specific moves that he would like to do better and we could find Yoga poses to facilitate safer movement. He goes on to tell me that his goal is to maintain plow pose for an extended period because that is how he finishes the show. My mind flips through the poses. Plow? He kept saying it over and over. In plow pose one has their feet behind their head while their back is on the floor. I'm now picturing a tiny (I always think of male strippers as short little buff guys) little naked dude in this pose...oh....oh. Okay, I'll bite, I'll be professional. I tell him I can absolutely help with that. He wants to message me immediately to show me his act. I tell him I am not available today, but can fit him in a10 on Thursday. He asks if I Skype, I tell him I do. He says he never has. I tell him he can add me and leave a video message and I'll watch it and get back to him with suggestions. I also suggest he have someone take photos so I can see his alignment and form. He says he has nobody who can take such pictures and that even at parties, photos are not allowed. Okay. Cool. I ask him for a contact number since the call came up private. He doesn't have a phone number, see, because his business is switching over this and that and whatnot and he'll call me if Thursday works, he's not in town anyway now...Goodbye. I have a sketch to write! Thank you!

II.

This reminded me of an email I got once from a man who wanted me to hypnotize his wife into liking the taste of oral sex. He insisted she loved everything about oral, but the flavor and she WANTED to be hypnotized so she would like it. I informed him that I would be happy to do that if his wife would contact me herself and request it. Then, I told him it must be his lucky day because I used to write a love and sex advice column when I was younger (true). I asked questions about whether it was his semen or his penis she found unpleasant, and offered suggestions to help make either more pleasant on the palette. They must've worked because I never did hear back from him or his wife. SKETCH!

Heeeeeeeey!

Hanging here in Limbo where everything is okay, not great, not bad, okay.  You know what?  That's okay right now.  I just got through a test of my endurance and ability to meet a deadline and a challenge to myself as a writer and and and and....now, It's just nice to have, like, one or two things going on.

I have a Mind/Body Connection Workshop coming up in August, until then, I am enjoying strengthening my connection to self.  Listening to the inner voice of what it truly desires, what it really wants from me.

That's where it gets tricky.  I don't know about you, but I rarely get just one message at a time.  Brain is tired, wants sleep, tummy is hungry wants food, body is feeling stuck wants exercise, nerves need whole nutritious food but it's reading as "comfort food"... we have so much going on in our bodies at any given moment, and while our brain is keeping track meticulously, or conscious mind can only handle 5-7 bits of info at any time.

Don't feel bad if you don't know what you want right now.  It's okay, we are taught to want what we are told to want, very rarely do we examine the validity of our cravings.  Start now.  Take a pause before you eat or buy something.  DO you really want that?  Who told you you should want it?  Was it you?  No?  Then put it back and get what YOU want.  I guarantee, once you begin to get to know yourself better, you will know which voices are your authentic needs, and which are just programming.

The good news is, you can literally be practicing this ALL OF THE TIME.  From how you sit in your chair, to what you wear, how you breathe, how you feel and on and on.  Don't stress about it, or take it too seriously, you have all the time in the world,and you are not being graded. ;)

Running With the Dog

I walk alone to the park every morning, usually barefoot, okay, always barefoot... The dog people know I have dogs and ask me why I don't bring them, which leads me extol on the personal life and personalities of each pooch.  (Don't ask me questions if you don't want TMI, btw.)  The old one had surgery, the little one is still getting her puppy shots, the girls dog is a bitch.... Then, there's the boy dog, who is lovely and can be around other dogs, BUT the reason I don't take him is mostly based on the fact that getting only one of four dogs out of the house singlehandedly is a bit of a challenge.  Suddenly the street is filled with dogs and I;'m running around and yelling like a crazy person.  Not fun. Oh, and taking Toadie means I must run at least a little.

I took him today, he has been so patient with his new bitey little sister that I wanted to get him out and take him to the park to play.  So we went, Dane ran defense as we escaped alone.  Toadness instantly wanted to run, but I was creaky, so I fast walked/jogged and then got him to slow down a bit.  When we finally got to the dog park, I unleashed him and he found a nice place to poop. The dog people were watching us.  Being a good dog parent, I was prepared with a plastic bag and cleaned up after my pet...gross...  After disposing of said poo, we decided to be social.  Toro and the other dog checked each other out before deciding it was cool to hang out.  They didn't play play much, Toro stuck by mt side.

Being a good Mommy, I knew he wanted to run with me, as fast as we could through the grass, so we did, and I wish I had on a more supportive support garment.  It was awesome, I love to run!  Next time I must be better prepared.  After running, Toadie decided we should walk up the steepest hill we could to get back to the sidewalk.  It was a good walk home, he ate some grass, I let him drink from my water bottle (I love that he can do that!) and we arrived home to a chorus of excited barking.  Great way to start the day!

The Twins

The Old Timer

The Newbie

.Oh my aching back aka I'm soft

I did about 2 1/2 hours of manual labor int he sun yesterday morning.  It sucked.  I t made me realize how soft I really am.  I don't mean flabby or silky, I mean I'm a big wimpy baby when it comes to being uncomfortable.

It made me think about all of the people who have chosen jobs in construction, landscaping, and anything else out doors.  Even UPS and USPS peeps get in and out of vehicle with no doors all day.  Mechanics get no A/C, they are lucky to have a swamp cooler, and there are myriad other professions just like this.

So, am I saying I want to toughen up?  Take a boot camp class at noon?  Hells no!  I am just saying i have identified this part of myself and am at peace with it.  We don't have to change or "fix" every little personality trait or idiosyncracy that makes us uncomfortable or different.  I don't camp in the Summer because heat makes me angry.  That's it.

Avoid the stuff that irritates you if you can, don't force yourself to do things out of obligation that end up sucking for you and everyone else who has to put up with you.  In our club we have a very simple saying that we live by.  Nobody has hurt feelings and everybody accepts it.  We don't have to make up lame excuses, or anything.  We simply say "IDW".  I don't wanna.  That's it.

Imagine how free your life would be if you just said IDW to that Amway presentation, or to a scrapbooking workshop, or even to drink with a friend.  By invoking IDW, the other person knows you just don't feel like it, and that's okay.  Now, you can make plans later when you do W.

If this spread and nobody forced themselves to go to things they hated, we would be happier people I think,  I know what it is like to be somewhere you don't want to be because you think you're "supposed" to go.  Super Bowl parties, co-ed baby showers...you get the point.

We have plenty of things that we "have to" do everyday.  Exercise your right to choosing your recreation.

My back hurts....

Buddy only did what he W-ed.