Happy Cancerversary to Me!

I will never forget 9-11-01.  I was in the hospital waiting to find out why I was so sick.  It was early, but I was awake, as usual (not that they let you sleep), when a nurse came in and told me that a plane had just hit the World Trade Center.  She turned on the TV.  We both watched, stunned.  I wasn't able to comprehend what I was seeing, they played replays and I watched.  Then, out of nowhere another plane hit the other tower.  How can this even be real?  I kept waiting for it to be some sort of massive media hoax, along the lines of War of the Worlds.  It wasn't.  My Aunt told me then, "The world as we know it is over, things will never be the same."  I was worrying about my family in New York, waiting for a call from someone to tell me that the people I loved were okay.  My cousin was visiting NY at that time and was very near the tragedy.

The TV stayed on most of the day, and I received many calls and visitors.  All we could do was shake our heads and wonder at the state of the world. Later that evening, around six o'clock, the doctor came to my room with my test results.  Finally, I would know why I had been sick ever since I had my son two months ago.  He sat me down and solemnly told me I had AML, a type of Leukemia.  I don't think it even phased me to hear that.  All I said was, "Okay, how can we change that?"

My attitude about my cancer has always been one of almost denial.  Like, I knew I had it, but I refused to let it be a big deal, "tis but a scratch!"  This shows the great power of perspective.  If I hadn't woken up to tragedy involving so many people who did nothing more than go to work, I may have collapsed into my illness and let it determine if I lived or died.  Cancer can be beat if you see it coming.

It is 13 years later and I still have yet to process all of my emotions related to my diagnosis.  I have had chemo, radiation, more chemo, and a stem-cell transplant (Thanks, Bro!).  I have watched my baby grow into a teenager, I have shared 13 more years of life with the people I love (and some that I don't), and I have taken it for granted enough to complain about trivial things.

What I haven't done, is deal with the repressed emotions, they are tucked in so many hidey holes I don't even know where they are hiding.  They pop out at random and sometimes inopportune times.  Commercials and movies can set one off, stories, a person at the store with a mask, or a PICC line...all these little reminders.  Someday they will all get resolved, or not...I cry a little, and then stuff them back in.  It's working for now, but like the little boy plugging the dike, I only have so many fingers and one day I will run out.  That day may be today...who knows?

Until then, Happy Cancerversary to me!

Time, Time, Time....

Woke up to a text message. “Are you going to be home Tuesday?” This is exactly the type of question that sends me into a freak out spiral. It's Saturday, I don't know what Tuesday will hold. I don't want to have to wait around all day until a UPS guys shows up so I can sign. I am a free woman!!! I have the same issue when my husband asks me what time I am doing things. For me, time is up for grabs. I don't know what time I'm going to be home any more than if I will be home Tuesday. For most people these are normal questions. The clock is doing its job, it's just a clock, not some sick master. I was obsessed with the lock for so many years. Fights started because of mere minutes. Friends were lost forever due to my maniacal grasp of time and its implications about loyalty.

Now, I can cooly wait if need be. I have even been late once, it was weird, didn't like it. I realize that time is a system created by humans so they could all show up and do things together. It's a tool for organizing something that had only been “sun up” “sun down”, “midday”, etc. My friend and I seemed paralyzed by it in High School. It seemed if we had to work in the afternoon, the three hours before work were shot, like we couldn't use them lest we risk being late, or not ready. I still catch myself in this mindset. Now, I remind myself “You have THREE HOURS!!!!” That's enough time to see a movie and get a massage!

I am sure my obsession with time began innocently enough as a simple warning to not be late for class. Then, work ruled my clock, breaks, off, on, schedule......I admit, the main source of panic arose when I could not find my datebook. It is in the car. I don't know what I am doing day-to-day with out it. I used to roll sans datebook and missed a lot. Now, it is my lifeline. Paper. I tried putting things in my phone, but I just don't trust technology. I had once uploaded 2 months to a tablet that my son ended up breaking. Bye bye schedule. Admittedly, a paper book is still a dangerous thing to have. I once came home to one shredded by the dogs in the backyard. I was able to salvage most of it. Luckily they chewed mostly on the past.

I would love a life of country wonder and bliss, free of clocks and schedules. Waking with the sun, napping when the mood hit me, and sleeping under black skies and twinkling stars. No sirens, no street lights, no traffic, just crickets. :)

I'm Melting....Melting!

My body is changing again. It is releasing the weight I picked up over the last year when I was stressing. Now, it appears to be going back to stasis. In our society so much value is given to how small you are and how little you way. I been guilty of being a tininess elitist, usually only when threatened, but also just to be a bitch. Probably because I was hungry

Here's the million dollar question: WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE? I have been almost 200lbs and gotten down to 107lbs and you know what? I was still me, just tinier and I felt that being skinny gave me the right to be nasty. After all, isn't the end goal to be skinny? Why? I understand that there are health reasons to lose weight, yes. That's great, and maybe you're an athlete and need to be strong and fast, okay. My point is, what does “skinny” get you? Why are we all aiming to be ever smaller? To disappear? Think about it, before a wedding, reunion, vacation, etc. we all run around trying to get skinny. Are we going to enjoy these events more if we are skinny?

The catch is that you can never be skinny enough. There is no end once you get stuck in that crazy rabbit hole. You reach your goal of losing 10 pounds, now you wan to lose 20, then you'll be happy. You got into your wedding dress, now you are setting your sights on your cheerleading uniform. Why? Will children be saved from cancer?  Will you get an award?  Maybe the news will cover it. Oh, I know, when you are finally skinny enough, all of your other problems will go away, right? NO!!! God forbid you don't meet your goal, because then, your self-esteem will be shattered and the self-abuse starts. Maybe you don't even go, feeling everyone will know you are “not skinny”.  

There is a new product out there that works. I have a few friends who sell this product that makes you smaller. I even thought about using it, and was approached to sell it, too. While I was deciding, I thought about how I would benefit right no from being smaller. My clothes would feel looser and that's pretty much it. I decided to keep my money and turned down the position. I understand we are programmed and driven to be smaller because that's how they make money. Happy people generally don't drop $1,000's on superficial pursuits. When I think of all of the money I spent over my lifetime of body issues I realize I could've spent that money traveling and going places and having fun instead of drugging myself with expensive promises and beating myself up because I was never small enough.

Accepting your body doesn't happen overnight. I made myself stare at myself in the mirror and only be objective and complimentary. Do I look friendly? Happy? Clean? Approachable? Stylish? On days I feel ugly, or have what I call the “fat eye” (seeing my body in a distorted fashion) I avoid mirrors and wear something that makes me feel pretty and most people just go with it. The truth is, nobody cares what your body looks like. They don't. Unless it is your job to look a certain way, you have the freedom to let your body go through it's cycles of weight gain and release. I go from a 4-8 throughout the year because that's where my body likes to be, I am healthy and fit and can rock a silky dress in away that will make your jaw drop. I've been an 18, too, and you know what, I was still me, so I was still dead sexy. I have met so many gorgeous curvy, voluptuous women who are so into their bodies that I have been envious at times.

It's about you having the most fun in your life. At the end do you want to to be telling your great grand kids about all of your awesome adventures, or about how even as a crumply skeleton you never met your goal weight?   

Tales of the People I Encounter Anonymously

I don't judge people and would work with either of these people in a professional manner...if they were REAL!  The anonymity of the internet and telephone allows pranksters easy access.  I am legitimately amused by these folks.  God bless them, every one. 

I.

Yesterday, I received a call from a gentleman inquiring about hiring me for private Yoga lessons. He had a British accent and a calm demeanor. I asked him about his goals and he admitted to me that he was an entertainer specializing in Bachelorette parties. Okay, I've danced before and have know many dancers in my life. I also write dirty sketch comedy and have hung out with mechanics, bikers, and comedians for the last 10+ years, there is little that can shock me. I ask him if he has specific moves that he would like to do better and we could find Yoga poses to facilitate safer movement. He goes on to tell me that his goal is to maintain plow pose for an extended period because that is how he finishes the show. My mind flips through the poses. Plow? He kept saying it over and over. In plow pose one has their feet behind their head while their back is on the floor. I'm now picturing a tiny (I always think of male strippers as short little buff guys) little naked dude in this pose...oh....oh. Okay, I'll bite, I'll be professional. I tell him I can absolutely help with that. He wants to message me immediately to show me his act. I tell him I am not available today, but can fit him in a10 on Thursday. He asks if I Skype, I tell him I do. He says he never has. I tell him he can add me and leave a video message and I'll watch it and get back to him with suggestions. I also suggest he have someone take photos so I can see his alignment and form. He says he has nobody who can take such pictures and that even at parties, photos are not allowed. Okay. Cool. I ask him for a contact number since the call came up private. He doesn't have a phone number, see, because his business is switching over this and that and whatnot and he'll call me if Thursday works, he's not in town anyway now...Goodbye. I have a sketch to write! Thank you!

II.

This reminded me of an email I got once from a man who wanted me to hypnotize his wife into liking the taste of oral sex. He insisted she loved everything about oral, but the flavor and she WANTED to be hypnotized so she would like it. I informed him that I would be happy to do that if his wife would contact me herself and request it. Then, I told him it must be his lucky day because I used to write a love and sex advice column when I was younger (true). I asked questions about whether it was his semen or his penis she found unpleasant, and offered suggestions to help make either more pleasant on the palette. They must've worked because I never did hear back from him or his wife. SKETCH!

Heeeeeeeey!

Hanging here in Limbo where everything is okay, not great, not bad, okay.  You know what?  That's okay right now.  I just got through a test of my endurance and ability to meet a deadline and a challenge to myself as a writer and and and and....now, It's just nice to have, like, one or two things going on.

I have a Mind/Body Connection Workshop coming up in August, until then, I am enjoying strengthening my connection to self.  Listening to the inner voice of what it truly desires, what it really wants from me.

That's where it gets tricky.  I don't know about you, but I rarely get just one message at a time.  Brain is tired, wants sleep, tummy is hungry wants food, body is feeling stuck wants exercise, nerves need whole nutritious food but it's reading as "comfort food"... we have so much going on in our bodies at any given moment, and while our brain is keeping track meticulously, or conscious mind can only handle 5-7 bits of info at any time.

Don't feel bad if you don't know what you want right now.  It's okay, we are taught to want what we are told to want, very rarely do we examine the validity of our cravings.  Start now.  Take a pause before you eat or buy something.  DO you really want that?  Who told you you should want it?  Was it you?  No?  Then put it back and get what YOU want.  I guarantee, once you begin to get to know yourself better, you will know which voices are your authentic needs, and which are just programming.

The good news is, you can literally be practicing this ALL OF THE TIME.  From how you sit in your chair, to what you wear, how you breathe, how you feel and on and on.  Don't stress about it, or take it too seriously, you have all the time in the world,and you are not being graded. ;)

Running With the Dog

I walk alone to the park every morning, usually barefoot, okay, always barefoot... The dog people know I have dogs and ask me why I don't bring them, which leads me extol on the personal life and personalities of each pooch.  (Don't ask me questions if you don't want TMI, btw.)  The old one had surgery, the little one is still getting her puppy shots, the girls dog is a bitch.... Then, there's the boy dog, who is lovely and can be around other dogs, BUT the reason I don't take him is mostly based on the fact that getting only one of four dogs out of the house singlehandedly is a bit of a challenge.  Suddenly the street is filled with dogs and I;'m running around and yelling like a crazy person.  Not fun. Oh, and taking Toadie means I must run at least a little.

I took him today, he has been so patient with his new bitey little sister that I wanted to get him out and take him to the park to play.  So we went, Dane ran defense as we escaped alone.  Toadness instantly wanted to run, but I was creaky, so I fast walked/jogged and then got him to slow down a bit.  When we finally got to the dog park, I unleashed him and he found a nice place to poop. The dog people were watching us.  Being a good dog parent, I was prepared with a plastic bag and cleaned up after my pet...gross...  After disposing of said poo, we decided to be social.  Toro and the other dog checked each other out before deciding it was cool to hang out.  They didn't play play much, Toro stuck by mt side.

Being a good Mommy, I knew he wanted to run with me, as fast as we could through the grass, so we did, and I wish I had on a more supportive support garment.  It was awesome, I love to run!  Next time I must be better prepared.  After running, Toadie decided we should walk up the steepest hill we could to get back to the sidewalk.  It was a good walk home, he ate some grass, I let him drink from my water bottle (I love that he can do that!) and we arrived home to a chorus of excited barking.  Great way to start the day!

The Twins

The Old Timer

The Newbie

.Oh my aching back aka I'm soft

I did about 2 1/2 hours of manual labor int he sun yesterday morning.  It sucked.  I t made me realize how soft I really am.  I don't mean flabby or silky, I mean I'm a big wimpy baby when it comes to being uncomfortable.

It made me think about all of the people who have chosen jobs in construction, landscaping, and anything else out doors.  Even UPS and USPS peeps get in and out of vehicle with no doors all day.  Mechanics get no A/C, they are lucky to have a swamp cooler, and there are myriad other professions just like this.

So, am I saying I want to toughen up?  Take a boot camp class at noon?  Hells no!  I am just saying i have identified this part of myself and am at peace with it.  We don't have to change or "fix" every little personality trait or idiosyncracy that makes us uncomfortable or different.  I don't camp in the Summer because heat makes me angry.  That's it.

Avoid the stuff that irritates you if you can, don't force yourself to do things out of obligation that end up sucking for you and everyone else who has to put up with you.  In our club we have a very simple saying that we live by.  Nobody has hurt feelings and everybody accepts it.  We don't have to make up lame excuses, or anything.  We simply say "IDW".  I don't wanna.  That's it.

Imagine how free your life would be if you just said IDW to that Amway presentation, or to a scrapbooking workshop, or even to drink with a friend.  By invoking IDW, the other person knows you just don't feel like it, and that's okay.  Now, you can make plans later when you do W.

If this spread and nobody forced themselves to go to things they hated, we would be happier people I think,  I know what it is like to be somewhere you don't want to be because you think you're "supposed" to go.  Super Bowl parties, co-ed baby showers...you get the point.

We have plenty of things that we "have to" do everyday.  Exercise your right to choosing your recreation.

My back hurts....

Buddy only did what he W-ed.

...and then....everything seems so trivial....

I am crying, a little, right now. Have been for a couple of days. First, it was because I heard that a beautiful soul was so sick she was in a coma, and now, because she has transitioned. Heaven is lucky to have this woman.

In a world where more often than not, affection is not genuine, hers was. Every time you saw this woman she had a huge smile on her face and hugs to give. When she was at school she waved and talked to everybody in the halls. She reached out to me when I was still the “new kid” and unsure of how to interact with people.

Instead of being sad, I am choosing to live with her spirit in mind. When I first heard she had left her body, I was hit with a massive amount of survivor guilt, as is my habit. “Why did she die, and I didn't?” I let that do its thing for a couple of minutes and then it didn't feel right anymore. She would not want me to curse my life because she gave up hers. She wouldn't. I felt like she was with me at that moment, just saying that it was silly to feel that way and I should live the hell out life and not worry about why I am so blessed.

I am sure God just needs her up there for awhile to boost morale.  

Up Late

Soooooooooooooooo...I took a nap at 6pm, and didn't wake up until 10:18, then 12:10...still up. In the past I would be freaking out worrying about getting back to sleep, driving myself crazy, and not sleeping thinking about everything I won't be able to do because my schedule got thrown off.

I used to have this crazy self-imposed idea about when I could do things, and when I could not. Like, anything outside of the house must happen between 8am and noon, if it didn't, it had to wait for the next day, or the next. Dishes are done either while making breakfast, or not until 4pm. Homework and all creative projects are for the hours of 4am-6am, and a walk must start no later than 6am....

Now, I am much cooler, although I sometimes need to remind myself of that fact. My body has been trained to instantly panic in time related situations, and I am still retraining it to just stop and view the situation objectively. Step back, and readjust.

I can stay up until the sun rises and go about my business, or I can go back to bed and wake up again at a later hour. It is my choice. I don't work today, today is a catch up around the house day, no schedule, relax...

Even now, I am tired, but not quite bed ready yet. Writing is helping to empty my head of random thoughts that may pop up unexpectedly and keep me awake. I feel that most days as soon as my eyes open my mind starts going with my to do list. Bam! Let's hit the ground running! This is very frustrating since I am taking a class on dreams right now and this thought seems to dissolve all memory of my dreams. I remember feelings and bits and pieces like: water,people, school, animals....it seems to always be these things. Again, I should just be cool and step back. I have accidentally programmed myself to erase my dreams as soon as I wake up! Ooopsy.

Perhaps, if I write out my to do list now, it will leave me alone later.

To Do Today (Goals):

Finish last week's online homework

Dole out items from Bean- Shoes, supplies

Make Up Yoga Class tonight

Do Laundry

See how many more hours of Community Service I need to do

Straighten house so cleaners don't have to deal with my clutter tomorrow

Take a walk, do yoga

Scan and mail docs for work

Not bad! Actually pretty light!

I feel much better! Woo-hoo! Writing things out so I can see them makes them less ominous than random thoughts ping-ponging around in my brain all at once, nice. :)

Rebel, Rebel

I did it! I facilitated my first workshop, and it was amazing. I am lucky enough o have the best people in the World in my life and my session was attended by 6 of them. All from different parts of my life. 2 I've known since I was a teenager, 2 I've known for 6 years from sketch comedy, and 2 from school who are also amazing healers.

The group was very pleasant, everyone got along well. We laughed stress away as we worked with mandalas and affirmations, the two hours went very quickly ending with a balloon hitting the fire sprinkler and popping loudly. Did I mention we were at the library. Where they frown on bare feet. Yes, your humbler blogger was reprimanded for having her shoes off. It is such a vile offense that he felt it necessary to open the door of the room I had reserved to tell me to put my shoes back on. He kept looking every time he walked by to see if my shoes were on my feet. I am such a bad girl.

My school friends were having the same problem I was, we kept slipping our shoes off out of habit. “Oh, crap! My shoes are off again!” We kept doing it, catching ourselves after one shoe had dropped, then crossing our legs and hiding our shoes so he couldn't see our feet. How funny is that. I am all about following rules, but my subconscious didn't get the memo. It thinks no shoes in a private carpeted room is a stupid rule and my lack of shoes kept proving that. Ha!

It's a really good thing he didn't see Kathy and I run up and down the book aisles waving our arms silently screaming...bare foot. ;)

I am not Fat, I Have Fat....There's a difference...

As I get near my graduation this year, I am finishing up classes and making up missed classes.  Last night was a class on Diversity and we went over size-ism in the media.  It was a class I could've taught.  Maybe someday.  I do want to teach at my school once I have graduated and been released into the world.

This topic is very close to my heart because I have survived an eating disorder or several in my time.  While the actual act of starving, purging, and overexercising had stopped in my 20's, it still took several years to look at my body without condemning or insulting it.  Surviving cancer helped, but it wasn't a magic wand to cure years of body hangups.  I finally had to look in the mirror until all I saw was ME, not a combination of horrible body parts that people called Jo Anna.

I remember a close family member always making comments about me "sitting around getting fat" and that sort of thing.  It hurt my feelings back then, but I thought he was just in a bad mood or something when he said it, so I forgave him and let it go.  That was only a year or so ago.  I just spoke with him recently and updated him on how great D is doing and what a great kid he is and how he's growing up so fast and eating everything in sight.  His reply, "You better watch that, you don't want him getting fat."  What?  Um...he's going through puberty, he'll be 13 soon, he's about to have a major growth spurt.  "Oh, yeah, I didn't think about that."

This makes me wonder where he picked up the programming that fat is bad.  Why does he care?  My family was all about teasing, still is.  Everyone calling each other fat and grabbing love-handles and poking bellies.  I did not resonate with this kind of love.  It hurt my feelings.  I felt bad.  I was called a "tank" by one of my parents' friends' son, a "fat, ugly, pig" by the neighbor boy and any number of names at my Lutheran grade school that I will not repeat.  That's a lot to take when you are 12.  I was not "fat".  I had some fat, I was a healthy 12 year old girl!!!  I look at the pictures of that girl now, and she is beautiful!

I remember comparing myself to other girls, and women in the media and I was not like them, of course, since I hated my body, I wanted to look like girls who were not built like me, who were taller and had smaller bones.  I would never look like them, because I am not them.

Now, I love myself!  I would love to help you love yourself!  I truly feel that keeping women down and hating themselves is the best way to keep them from using their brains and running the world.  If every woman woke up today in love with herself, the economy built on diet pills, clothes, makeup, girdles, etc. would collapse as women started focusing on really important things, not the made up story about how wrong their body is.

PS.  As far as advertisers are concerned, you'll never win.  Love yourself now.  Look at clothes and makeup as toys and treats, not camouflage and war paint.  You'll have more fun.  Promise!

Animals Everywhere!

I kinda remembered my dream this morning.  I got very interrupted sleep because the Doodle dog was yipping loudly at the Bear Dog who is wearing a cone so he doesn't lick his leg stitches.  She is freaked out by his cone.  I feel pity for him because he is so old and low tot he ground that he hangs his head and the cone scrapes the floor.  He is such a trooper.  I call him "Coney" against my will.  He can't hear anyway, so it doesn't bother him.

Pets are interesting.  They certainly do lively up your life.  We found a puppy, nobody claimed it, we ended up with the Doodle.  Then, she got parvo, and we were back to being nervous parents sleeping with the baby, feeding her from a bottle, getting her through it.  Now, she is back to being a yippy face-biter as if it never happened. :)

Bear was our first dog.  I never had a dog growing up, I had lots of relatives with dogs.  Dane's dad had a dog, but Dane grew up with cats, like me.  We got a house, we went to the pound and got a tiny shy dog.  I was lucky enough to have the time and patience to train Bear, and he is a sweet boy.  He retired a few years ago,  and is now just living life.  The vet said his heart is perfect and was impressed to hear Bear had never been sick once in 16 years.

Now, Bear has had surgery for his leg. There was a mass on it and it burst, and there was blood everywhere.  I am calm in these situations.  I got the boy to take the Doodle to his room while I mopped up blood and tried to find its origin.  I am very blessed to have an Aunt who was home and ready to help.  The whole thing was very easy for as complicated as it could've been.

Timing.  D and I were out and decided to come home just then.  We were talking in the hallway when we turned and saw a pool of blood with footprints.  I called Auntie who was home, we got to the emergency vet and were seen very quickly and everybody is so nice!  Bear stayed, we left.  I asked her if she'd had lunch, she said no, but just wanted to get home.  Good thing, because waiting in front of her house was her lunch date!  Ha!  Lots of angels at work in this story, eh?

I would appreciate it if there were no more blood related maladies at this house.  Thank you.

We are also blessed to have the "Wappy Twins".  Named so because of the sound their tails make against the wall when they wag.  They are littler mates.  We only wanted one, as a present for the boy, but the other was so attached and then was going to be taken to the pound, so we kept her too.

4 dogs.  No cats.  I miss Kitty, but I don't miss many of the things that go with having a cat.  Much love to my fur people.  However, I find that my favorite thing about hotel rooms is the lack of animals and animal hair.  It's a nice treat.

It's the End of the World!!!! No, it's not....

So, I didn't write or record a video yesterday, I didn't post anything to my blog. You know what? The world is still going. It didn't come to a screeching halt, or end in a fiery explosion because I failed to meet an arbitrary daily goal that I set for myself.

Yet, in the past, I may have looked at this very type of event, and indeed did, as proof that I was unaccountable, even to myself. That I was, and always will be a failure who can't commit, lazy and uninspired, just a lump with some long ago talked about “potential”. What a downer I was! Holy crap, really?

These little goals are to set us up for success! We should choose things we like to do and always said we would do someday. They should not be tests of our very worth. I enjoy writing, I like it very much, I love words and how they look and sound and feel when I say them out loud. I am a writer. I was getting very jealous and angry about people who were writing books I could have, but didn't. Stories of weight loss “72 pounds off for 10 years”, it was exactly my story too, exactly the same number of pounds and the time kept off. The only difference is she wrote the book, so she was on the morning talk show circuit. Or home chefs who become famous for just putting up things on YouTube. I could do that, but I didn't. It was easier to be self-righteous.

Then, it wasn't anymore. I want to write, why am I stopping myself? Oh, fear. Fear that I won't be perfect right away. Fear that nobody will read my stuff, or even worse hate me for it. Fear of being judged for my opinions. FEAR. So, I decided to suspend all judgment of my work, and only read through it to correct spelling errors, but I don't over think it. I really don't know what I am going to write when I sit down here. I just let it come through me onto the virtual paper and then I'll share it with the world...wow.

My video blogs are very liberating in that I will not alter my appearance to look better on screen. However I look is however I look at that moment. I look lots of different ways, we all do. That's the point. There is no ultimate universal perfect. There is only the perfection that lies in being authentically you, then you will be the perfect you. It's you destiny and your birth right. You are already perfect.   

Spread LOVE

Oh, the snuggly doggie! Yes, the Pixie-Doodle has figured out a way to squirm under my body and get right in the center of my pillow. I got up to get some water and when I came back to bed, she was lying on her back, front paws stretching overhead until she nestled into my spot, head on the pillow. I had no choice but to scoop her up and hold her little warm body close to me. Heck, there is nothing more important than cuddling a sleeping puppy, or a sleeping family member, snuggles are the #1 priority when offered. Nothing is of greater import than physical connection with loving intent.

When we are close to each other our bodies relax, our heart beats more steadily and all of the lovely hormones of love are released making us feel so happy and content. Every time we hug someone, it is like a power boost, re-energizing our hearts so we can glow with love and spread it.

If you look at a happy person, who is full of love, you can tell from a distance they have that energy. It pulls you toward it, because you want to be near it, maybe if you are near it, some of it will get on you. Guess what? It will. It will get all over you and all up in your heart, and you'll be contagious, spreading that feeling to those you come into contact with. Let the haters hate, I was the angry teen who made fun of happy people because I thought it was easier than trying to be happy. Boy was I wrong! It's pretty effortless once you catch the flow.

Today, smile!!!!! Smiles are face hugs, you can give them freely, even to strangers. Hug the people in your life who you can hug, make the hugs count too, not those little stiff armed, standing three feet away with awkward faces and hands (you know what I mean). Sink into your friend, lover, spouse, parent, child, hold them in your arms like they are the most precious thing on the planet, because they are.

It's one part of my life I know to be true, family and friends are more important than anything: career, school, jobs, cars, clothes, clubs, crap..... I have arranged my life goals and dreams in a way that has allowed me to spend ample time with my son as he's grown up into a teenager. I have a strong marriage and fantastic friends and family who were there for me when I was so sick. They put things aside so they could be there and heal me with their love.

I read that people with large social circles are more likely to survive life threatening situations. It's true, if you're so busy visiting, you don't have time to give up. It blows me away that it has been over 12 years since I last has Leukemia, it was the best gift I never wanted. I learned so much about what is important and what is frivolous.

Cherish your people with all of your heart. Tell them you love them at every opportunity. Give smiles and compliments to strangers, too. Spread LOVE and JOY like a virus! I love YOU!

Grandma Anna with Baby Tracy and 3yr old me! 

She was such a cool lady.

I Love Cleaning Up! ;)

I am taking a day at home to recover from the 4 I had away from it. All around me are piles of things. Work things, house things, clothes, boxes, dishes. It seems that the house really does not clean itself.

This has made my mind all scattered and cluttery, too. I have 2 online classes I am taking right now, each with their own pile. I have promotional materials for my business and workshop in a pile, a pile of clothes, a giant box full of bags full of stuff from this weekend's GoMacro promotion, then under that are two big boxes for this weekend's events, both needing paperwork printed and saved. Oh, and then there is that pesky community service I am fitting in to pay off my speeding ticket...not today!

Today I will put on a bandanna and the Beastie Boys and take back my house! I am looking forward to it, too! I adore order, I just don't like tedium, I have to trick myself into cleaning by making it fun. Maybe I'll wear my roller skates, or dress up like Cinderella and make believe I am trying to get to the ball.

Tomorrow will be a ball. I get to chaperon the school's end-of-the-year field trip to Golfland Sunsplash! That is the prize! I am so excited. I even bought little surf shorts to wear over my swim suit so D doesn't have the Mom with the booty hanging out. Those water slides do funny stuff your stuff. ;) (I stopped wearing bikinis about the same time I stopped wanting to give a boob show at every landing.)

I have my to-do list and my bulletproof coffee. I am actually forcing myself to do the seating things first, or they may never get done! Onward!

That Coffee is Something Else!

Bullet proof my coffee? Okay, I'm game, I'll try it, why not? Especially since I am working a lot these next couple of weeks and still finding time to continue my education. I finished facelift acupressure yesterday and it got me totally happy! I have big plans for the Fall when they will offer a weekend intensive on Energetic Reflexology and another on Indian Head Massage with more facelift points!

So, back to my coffee. It's a thing. You put butter from grass fed cows and MCT (Medium Chain Triglycerides), I like coconut oil because I have it. You can also buy very concentrated MCT at you local health food store. I know Whole Foods has their own. If you are anything like me, you're really cool and pretty, aaaaaaaaannnnnd you just thought “What?! Butter in my coffee? Oil in my COFFEE!!!! Why, Jo Anna, why would I do this, why would YOU?”

Because it's an experiment, and it pretty tasty. The theory is that the caffeine jump starts you and the fats sustain. You must use high quality fat, or there is no point other than flavor and texture. The oils lube up your joints and coat your stomach lining, and intestines (slippery!) and keep you feeling full. “They” also say it helps you lose weight because of the effect MCTs have on regular fat....

Today is my day 2, we'll see. I felt great yesterday, maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was my awesome attitude about life, it is good.

If you want to try it, here are some links with info. A lot of them suggest putting it in a blender, or vitamix. Ha ha! Yes, that is what my husband wants to wake up to at 4:30am....I use a wire whisk between my palms in my deep cup. Make a back and forth motion and that whisk whips very nicely.

Recipe, Bulletproof Exec

Dr. Weil Says:

End of 3 Fitness

As with anything of this nature, it may work for some and not for others.  We are all different.  

Working for a Living

Let's face it.  I hate to work.  I love to do what I love and unfortunately sometimes I have to work.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind putting in effort to achieve a goal, but to me "work" is not something I like to do.  Why am I telling you this.  Simply, because it is true for me, and I am comfortable with that.

I have been working for several days now, it is nice, and I enjoy it, it's almost not like work at all, it's as if this work is supporting my efforts on my way to my goal, which takes the work out of it, and makes it effort instead. 

It's all how you frame it.  I am going to go learn some cool acupressure skills, then I have to do some effort.

Crosses, What's Yours?

Think on This... If it is held . . . as a cross, it will remain as one . . . with individuals where there is in their experience crosses to bear, hardships or surroundings that to them are overpowering, overwhelming, by slights, slurs, and fancies of the inactivity of a coordinating force. If these are held continually as crosses, or as things to be overcome, then they will remain as crosses. But if they are to be met with the spirit of truth and right in their own selves, they should create joy; for that is what will be built.

Reading 552-2  Edgar Cayce

Mr. Cayce has an excellent point in this tidbit.  We are not supposed to suffer endlessly with our challenges.  We are supposed to face them and overcome them.  Unless we adopt them, but then no longer consider them hindrances, others may, but that is their own thing, not yours.

I have had many "crosses" I have carried too long, and complained about to too many people.  That's the thing, it's the complaining and the loathing, it drags us deeper and deeper down into the quagmire of this self-pity.  Oh, boo hoo , why me....

You know what's funny.  I had Leukemia and could have died when my son was a newborn.  (That's not the funny part.)  I was in the hospital on Sept 11, 2001 and saw the second plane hit live on TV.  (That's also not funny.)  I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that night. I didn't care, it didn't seem like a big deal at all compared to the tragedy that I witnessed that morning.  (Still not the funny part.)  What's funny is, after all of that and coming through this major ordeal, I freak out over the smallest little things.  If I miss a deadline, or lose a shoe it's panic time.  I get pneumonia and have a lung drained, no big.  Out of toilet paper!  It's the end of the World!

Do you get what I'm saying here?  Things are only the things they are because we have named them to be so.  Pet peeves, dirty little secrets, guilty pleasures, the weight of the world....labels.  You could just as well call all of them Nancy and invite them over for tea.  What is it with our world and labels....I know, I know, I know, it is the organizing function of our RAS filter.....sigh....I think I'll just call it Nancy.  Never met a Nancy I didn't like....

Do You Need to Know to Let it Go?

Today I feel very alive. I have a lot of projects this weekend and that is thrilling! IN addition, I am working on my own workshop at the end of the month. Writing a stress management workshop is actually very helpful to me at this time, because I get to instantly check and see how well this stuff works. I am one of those people who gets super high marks for poise. However, inside there are three white mice sharing one wheel. MY heart only beats 60 times a minute, but it feels like there is a crack fueled drum circle in there with 1000 beats a second. My jaw clenches, but I relax my face so I don't bite my tongue. Then, I chew the crap out of my fingers.

Or rather, I used to. Thanks to a simple NLP trick, I have pretty much gone since last Sunday without sticking my hands in my face. It's really cool to watch the skin around my nails heal for the first time since I was eleven! It's actually more relaxing to not have this nervous habit, or former coping mechanism.

I believe this will all plinko down until I am no longer smoking. Smoking is not my hangup, there is a deep deep oral fixation, maybe I was breast fed, then given a binkie, I don't know. It doesn't matter either. I could spend all the live long day looking for causes, or I can just make a choice right now, to stop. I'm not being trite, like I magically just stop my bad habits. Oh no no no no no.... What I mean is, once I have spotted them and named them, they are my pets and I can keep them and feed them, or I can take them to a shelter or release them to the wild with my blessings.

You can live in harmony with your hangups, it's up to you. Maybe you like to think of them as quirky, or special. Great. When you are ready to let them go, call me. We'll do a gentle exorcism. You can have wine. :)

Bye, Bye, Baggage!  Oh!  That's a Kitty!

It's the Little Things

When you decide to get married, get involved, or move in.  Everybody jumps in to make sure you line up on the "important" stuff like kids, religion, politics, etc.  "Do you have the same values?"  "Are you going to be on the same page in 5 years?"

Well, you know what I think?  I think the little stuff is just as important.  How do they live out the mundane-ity of life?  Do you eat the same foods?  Do you eat at the same times?  Do you eat at the same frequency?  How many bathrooms will you have?  How long does it take them to use the bathroom to pee, poo, shower, shave, groom...etc?  What time do they wake up?  How about you?  Will there be times you'll each be tiptoeing around the house, gently closing doors because someone is sleeping while you have energy?  Do you trust this person to wash and fold your clothing?  Will they expect you to buy, wash and fold theirs?

This just popped into my mind this morning as I thought about the green juice I am not going to have again this morning......

No deep message here, just a commentary.  :)

Mad Love to the RAS

Today is a new day! Yesterday was great, and today will be whatever I make it! Do you believe me? It's true. If I go into this day letting every little thing bug me, then I will notice a lot of things to bug me! If I notice all of the cool weird things int eh world, then I will be given opportunities to see more of those.

Why? Is it magic? No, it's your RAS, your filter, its job is to sort out the millions of bits of information you are presented with every second and pare it down to the 3-7 things that are most important. This is part of the reptile brain and its main job used to be to keep us out of danger. It categorizes things for us, like: Bear = RUN!!! or Green Plants= Yum.

It also deletes information that is not useful, like noticing what's written on everybody's T-Shirts, or how many tiles are in the bathroom at Wendy's. Stuff not pertinent to the situation at hand, or your conditioning. If you never wear sunglasses, it would be easy to not even notice a Sunglass Hut at the mall. Whereas, if you LOVE Sunnies, you'll spot a kid in the back of the room with a card table set up and a handwritten sign that says: 2/$15.

Another function, and this is the one that applies to how you see your day, is distortion. It will distort the information received in order to back up what you are already thinking. After all, if it didn't you would feel crazy. Say you believe that all all plants are beautiful. Your RAS will focus on all of the beautiful plants around you and bring them to focus in your conscious mind. Here's one of mine that I don't want anymore, and it just popped up. I tell myself over and over that I “always misspell conscious”, so I did. Not this last time, but the one before it. Now, I have the opportunity to dig that programming out and rewrite it to say, “I don't even think about how to spell conscious anymore, because it is just ingrained.”

Brains are neat.

What's it Going to be?

Oy....today I was planning on starting a new project. Community service. Yes, I am a dirty speeder and got busted. No, it wasn't on the freeway, no I wasn't drunk. I was lost and didn't realize I was driving in an extended school zone (meaning it went for 2 miles past the school itself) because I was not familiar with the territory and made a wrong turn into said zone. The officer was lovely and I got a $199 fine for going 34mph. I thought traffic school would be a viable option, I'd done it before, 7 years ago it was fun and a lot cheaper than the ticket. Not in this case, in this case it is on;y a $15 savings. Bugger. I just feel $199 is too much cash for a ticket, so I asked if they would allow me to work off my fine. I like people, I like fresh air. They agreed and I get to do 22hours of service for Pinal County. I have until June 9^th to put in my time. I have to be honest, right now, I'm not feeling like it's going to happen today.....

Today will be better spent organizing the avalanche of loose papers I have piling up around this room. Right now, they make me crazy and are useless. Properly stored in a binder with tabs, they become accessible information. There is nothing like a really really crappy job to make a formerly unappealing task look really really fun and doable! Perspective.

Of course, it is not even 5am here and my mind will probably change 100 times before 7am. A little coffee, a little yoga, a little meditation and it will all turn out a-okay. It always does.

Video Blog- Got Hangups?

Got Hangups? Video Blog

I have a hangup about the whole "got" campaign....I HAVE hangups, I don't "got" them...horrible...

Today I WILL Cry :)

I can already tell it's going to be a moody day, and I'm okay with that. The crazy wind facilitates change and when things gets blown around, stuff gets unearthed and must be felt and released, or buried again for a later date.

I enjoy a good funk every once and again. As an optimist it's really hard for me to let my self slip over to the depressed side, and I don't get to enjoy the goods parts of those days. What's good about being depressed, Jo Anna? Let me tell you, if handled properly is can be a sad little couch vacation for you. Wallow in it, watch sad movies and cry all day. Eat mashed potatoes and ice cream and wear your bathrobe while you lay under blankies. Do it right. If you do it right, it will be all out of you be the next day.

The thing is, you can only stay a day! Any longer and you're in the quicksand of very bad outcomes. Like you not going to work (or whatever it is you do), or bathing, or grooming at all, no eating, stinky, greasy, zitty...do I need to go on? Thank you.

We should honor our sadness and not push it aside. If you feel mopey, mope. Do it. Make Mope your buddy for the day and hang out. Watch Mope's favorite movies like “Steel Magnolias”, or “Terms of Endearment”, or any other movie that proves love is a lie and life sucks anyway. You'll be bored by 4pm most likely.

I may have a day with Mope today, but I have other things I want to do even more. I am starting my Hypno training in dreams and metaphors today, that is exciting stuff! Too exciting to mope, I think I'll cry with JOY instead and spend my day watching movies that make me cry with JOY, lie “50 First Dates”, and “Overboard”, and “16 Candles”.

All I know is that I will cry today. It's inevitable, I am looking forward to it. Have a great day!

Stream of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness Video Blog
Example of Stream of Consciousness Writing:

I am blogging in the style decsribed in the video its really hard to not go back an correct mistakes but who cares because that uis not what this is about this is about letting words flow through you and out of you and onto the page, to stimulate creativity and b=feel yor brain swelling with love an joy for writing and expressing yourself in words that make ictures and people read them and then you know you can always go back and use spell check because thats what its for and ntofor funand game s and why am i thinking of a fish and do ai even care its a cartoon fish a blue fish a one two three christmas fish ho ho ho who wants cake id but not that cake it looks funny to me oh funny how funny how wise guys dont let your mouth write a check you butt can't cash galilea gallileao figaro oh oh oh!!!!!

The point is to just let go and do something.  A body at rest tends to stay that way, and the same goes for one in motion.  This also applies to your brain and its creative process.  It's just Science. :)  We place too much emphasis on perfection in our society.  Things would be more beautiful if they were authentic to the person who created them, not some version of what is expected told through a different vessel.  Same story, different person.  Create your own story, do what YOU want to do, question why you do things and then decide if you want to keep doing them, or if you want to go your own way and call it another sunny day!  Embrace yourself with out judgment and shine on!

It's a "Pants Day"

Today is definitely a "Pants Day".  I love my dresses and skirts and shorts, a lot.  Like, a lot a lot, maybe an unhealthy amount.  LOVE.  And, today they will stay home.  Why?  Because I have 9 hours of training today, and my legs are already restless thinking about having to sit in a chair all day.  I am blessed to be of small stature, so a regular offers a lot of sitting options, but only if I wear pants.  Okay, I could wear a skirt or dress and give everyone an underwear show, but I am so past that point.  Shorts just don't offer the same freedom as pants because skin has to press against something somewhere and that leaves red marks.  It just can't just be any old pants either.  The perfect pants offer the movement of yoga pants with the style of real pants.  The pants I have that fit this model of comfort and fashion are my black stretchy skinny jeans.  They are comfortable like leggings, but have a zipper and button and belt-loops making them actual pants.  They offer the freedom to sit with one or both legs up, feet on the chair, or cross legged in many of the variations of lotus.  They are also rugged enough that they won't damaged by my Spoonk, should I choose to use it, and will also protect delicate skin from said Spoonk. 

And you thought getting dressed was a no-brainer!

See Spoonk at: www.spoonkspace.com

Where IS It?!

I am losing it! - Video Blog

Blog-Willy Wonka plummet to the death.

"Blog-Willy Wonka plummet to the death."

So...this is what I have in my notes for my blog this morning.

I will address the Willy Wonka thing now. I am a belcher. I love to belch when I have the opportunity, beer, diet soda, and seltzer are best for a good resonant sound with reverb. Awesome. I consider my home to be a safe place to belch, I often rattle the windows causing the animals to cower under the coffee table. My husband is jealous because, even though he is bigger than me, and ergo his lungs must be, I kill him with my ability. I credit it to family dinners growing up. My mom hated burping at the tables, so of course my dad led the three kids in rebellious belching! Oh, it was grand.

How does that go with Willy? Think about it. Fizzy Lifting Drinks. We watched WW the other day, hubby and I. Soon after I ripped a monster burp. He looked at me and said “You'd plummet to your death.” I looked at him oddly, he clarified, “Burp, Charlie, it's the only way down.” Oooooooh. So, now everytime I get a good one out, I follow it by screaming “AAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

So, how does this help you? It may not. It all depends on how you react to this story. Will you be appalled at my lack of manners? Or, will you be inspired to truly enjoy the things you enjoy even if they are not commonly accepted as enjoyable (don't go on a mad burping spree and blame me, I do it in designated areas....). It is also a reminder to look for little fun things to add to your everyday life that will make it more fun. Like pretending to scream as you plummet to your death after burping, using a funny accent, dancing down the aisles when grocery shopping, talking to trees, making sound effects like “boop boop boop” when you back up. FUN. Add some fun. Then, share it with someone. 

 

Enjoy Your Down Time

I've been so busy lately with classes, and projects that it is odd for me to have a day where nothing is pressing. There are things to do, and things I've done, but there is nothing I feel I have to do. It is lovely. It is one of the moments we focus too little on. We notice when we have stress, we notice when we have too much going on, we notice when we are overwhelmed and ready to collapse, however we rarely put as much energy into noticing the opposite. When we are upset we talk to everybody about it, we think about it while we are up all night, we rant and feed it and nurture it to some extent. When we are peaceful we take it for granted, or we wait for the shoe to drop, never fully allowing ourselves to enjoy it. We have been conditioned to think we are always supposed to be doing something or something horrible will happen. This is not true. This is a sad lack of faith in the cycles of life. For every up there is a down, a period of rest and restoration. We need to honor them, cherish them even.

Here is my challenge to you, when you notice you are having an easy day EMBRACE it! Smile at everybody, or just spend the day doing something you love indoors. Putter around the house, but don't stress yourself out trying to come up with a to-do list. What you are “to-do” is to get reacquainted with yourself, and what you enjoy. Only do things that really bring you happiness. What do YOU like to eat? Where do YOU want to go? What do YOU want to do? It might be a little difficult at first because we are taught to put others' needs in front of our own. We compromise so frequently many of us are hard pressed when given the opportunity to really choose anything we want. Do it. It feels great!

Some Stories Make Me Sad

Art Can Hurt - Video Blog

New Video Blog-90 seconds to Save Your Bacon

Get it together before it gets out of control.
Emotional Response

Need Help Nodding Off?

Say “Hello” to sleep with the “75 Breaths” relaxation technique! I did. :) Over the weekend we were given many tools to help nurture a body (ours included) , and one of them was handed down to my teacher, who then passed it on to us, and now, I will share it with you. I will credit it to Mary Bruce, my instructor, and Spirit of Yoga who hosted the class.

I have not been able to make it all the way through without nodding off. Enjoy!

Derailed on Video Blog

Video Blog- Procrastinating

I am not perfect, and here is proof, I recover well, I think....;) 

********

Wasn't I a cute baby!

Help for Your Health

I am blogging later than normal today because I woke up later and had my early morning interrupted by things I usually do later in the morning. I finished all of the grocery shopping and am really excited about the lunch I am making today! After several weeks of digestive trouble, I have successfully restored myself! Hooray! Aaaaaaaaand in the interest of not only using the things I have learned, but most importantly to honor my body, I am instituting new habits related to food consumption. For example, drinking a liter of water before consuming food, starting with fruit, resting on my left side after eating to stimulate digestion, and also allowing food to digest completely before throwing more down the hole.

I have not been bloated since I started this, it has only been 36 hours, but I already feel better. My belly is happy and it doesn't feel like I have a family of ferrets in my intestines. :)

There are so many little things we can do to show some love to our gut, in addition to the ones I listed above, you could take up to a tbs of coconut oil, consume pre- and probiotics, eat fermented foods, drink plenty of water, rest adequately, don't eat when you are angry or sad, chew your food 20-50 times, eat slowly, eat living foods, bless your food, feel gratitude for being able to eat. Feel happy.

Enjoy gifting your belly with your new habits, and the increase in energy it brings!

Add a New Habit Today! Here's Why.

Subtraction by Addition 

In this video blog, I explore teh concept of "Subtraction by Addition".  It is something I have been doing for awhile, but not with any consistency until now.  We think we know what we want to "quit" doing, but it may not be the thing you need to let go of, there may be a deeper issue that causes the behavior. 

I know you are probably thinking "Okay, so what?"  Well, so what is that if you don't get involved in your own head, and let it sort itself out, you will naturally come into balance.  Here's my theory, try it for yourself and post about it, please.  Fill up before emptying out (watch blog), as you do this, your new positive habits will become surplus, and the old habits will naturally flow out and go away.  You may not even notice you not doing them any more.  For example, you just add a ten minute walk around the block in the morning, and a few weeks later, you realize you've stopped biting your nails and you don't even remember when. 

Even if you don't release bad habits, you'll have increased your well-being with all of your new good habits eliminating a lot of the negative effects of other things.

Video Blog on Butter vs. Margarine

Video Blog with messy hair and no makeup about real butter vs. the fake butter I once ate by accident. Kerrygold vs. Blue Bonnet

Yummy! Kerrygold website. 

Whatchyou Got?

I love my jewelry. It's not antique, or made of precious metals and gems, but it is mine. I love the quirkiness of my collection and I love to wear it. Not to show it off so much as to have it on. I feel like a warrior when I put on my gear. A love warrior of fashion and peace. Ha ha. I almost always wear a necklace, a bracelet (left), and a cocktail ring (right). If I wear an anklet, it is on the left. Earrings in both lobes, and on special occasions in the two extra piercings on the right side.

Why am I telling you about my awesome jewelry? It's because recently people have been noticing it and asking its origin. Quite simply, I was gifted with most of it by the Universe. I spend little to nothing on jewelry and have so much. Why, because people associate me with it, so they give it to me as presents. I have patience, so I am led to jewelry at thrift stores and yard sales by my shopping angels. I “put it out there”, but have no attachment to the outcome, and gratitude with the rewards. It is “my thing”.

Think about your life, what do you manifest easily? Can you use that trick on other things? I am learning. We often want something so badly, that we hold onto the desire and never let it go. If we are in a state of wanting, we aren't in a state of appreciation. We aren't being grateful. When I first heard that, I was like, “What? I am totally grateful for stuff!” Then I would catch myself not being grateful and cursing the “stuff” I have. Oopsy. Without attachment and time restrictions things can come to be in a natural way. I can look around this room and see many things I wanted, forgot I wanted, and then was gifted!

I'm not telling you to go read The Secret, or study manifestation (although I do), just really take the time today to watch your thoughts and actions.

Take care of the things you have, love them, bless them. If they no longer serve you, release them to the wild to be someone's treasure! Who knows, you may have something that someone is manifesting into their life right now! Be a part of Universal generosity!

From The Secret Daily Teachings

To allow the Universe to move you in your life to happier and better things, you are going to need to look around you and appreciate the good things here and now. Seek the beautiful things and count the blessings of where you are. Dissatisfaction will not bring the happier and the better into your life. Dissatisfaction roots you to the spot where you currently are, but appreciation for what you have attracts the happier and better to you.

Remember that you are a magnet! Appreciation attracts appreciation!

May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... joy for billions

Get to the Good Stuff!

Today is day two of my Restorative Yoga Teacher Training. It certainly doesn't suck that we get to experience the poses. It is a lovely thing to lay, propped just right, for 10-15 minutes per asana and just be. I love Yoga, it is one of the purest forms of self-maintenance. Moving the body in just the right way to nurture, strengthen, and detoxify. Beautiful.

What I am looking to even more than the training, are my Yoga peeps. There is such an air of acceptance in this group, I feel like a kid! I call it my “Hippie” Community. It is full of love and understanding of each human just as we are. Hugs and smiles and support and joy and well-wishes, and lunch. Yes we will dine as a group with our food all together and sharing the bounty. I have already set aside my contributions: raisins, seaweed, coconut water, and bananas. If I need anything else, there is a Sprout's practically next door.

Going back to school has taught me how to make friends. It has allowed me to meet people with similar interests and similar beliefs. It was weird at first,a s it has taken me almost the entire two years here to let go of the “old” me. She is grown up now, and doesn't make fun of people, or try to be edgy, or controversial, or shocking with words or clothes. I let my real Self out, and she is loved, and she loves. I was the kind of person who would find much amusement in making fun of me and my friends, calling us names and cutting us down. Why? Because I was angry and I lashed out at people with happy faces. Now, I'm a happy face assisting others to find their own happy face.

There is a period between learning and knowing, and knowing and understanding, and understanding and acceptance, and acceptance and assimilation. Take time to get to know and understand yourself without judgment, and you will accelerate at breakneck speed forward to your Highest Self.

Blessed be!